Did you read the Boston Globe article: “The question no parent wants to hear: ‘What’s for dinner?’”
If family mealtime has you stressed out start doing these three things today:
#1 – Forget planning meals for an entire year, just start with the next few days.
Grab a piece of paper and jot down three meals you can make this week. Say to your kids: “I am taking suggestions for dinner. What would you like to see on the menu this week?”
Post the menu on the refrigerator door so everyone is aware of the plan.
If your family members have special nutritional needs or strong preferences, consider assigning each person one day to choose what’s for dinner. Honor that schedule regardless of whining.
When people start complaining about what’s for dinner, calmly say: “It’s Joey’s choice tonight. I know this isn’t the meal you picked. What would help it?”
#2 – Memorize these four words: “What would help it?”
This is a strategy I call the “Add-On” and it’s one antidote to dealing with dinnertime drama. Read my full article on how to implement the “Add-On” here.
The “Add-On” is one small portion of a condiment-like food kids can dip, squeeze, sprinkle or spread—and here’s the important part—to the food that’s already on the table. Unlike other suggestions for navigating food refusal in kids, the Add-On engages kids creative thinking to cope with what’s in front of them. It doesn’t mean they get a separate meal but offers them a little slice of power they’re hungry for at the table.
# 3 – There is a way out of short order cooking or making different meals for different members of your family.
Step 1 is to not feel guilty for having tried to please all the people you love.
Step 2 is finding ONE tiny thing you can change to start moving away from this behavior.
Start by referring to the meal plan hanging on the fridge and say:
“I’m going to make one meal from now on, so we have more time to be together during dinner.”
Craving more help?
I coach parents with practical ways to connect instead of clash with their kids over food
At one time or another, just about every parent uses food to reward their kids for good behavior and achievements – or to console them when they’re sad or disappointed.
When children make honor roll, win a big game or persevere through a struggle, a parent might express their pride and joy with candy or ice cream. Likewise, when kids feel down and out, pick-me-ups can take the form of a treat. The reasons for this are simple: Using food as an incentive might get results, and salty, sweet or sugary foods are often within easy reach.
I spend a lot of my time at work helping clients break this cycle. I show them how to stop using tactics like bribery, judgment and shame that involve foods and drinks that can range from a bowl of chocolate pudding to a big glass of soda. I also teach parents other ways to celebrate and soothe that don’t depend on food.
Plenty of research shows kids consume more total calories, carbohydrates and fat daily when parents use food to reward behavior. For example, when the mothers of preschool-age children use food to ease their kids’ emotions, those children eat more sweets when they get upset. And a French study found that moms who used food as rewards for their children stimulated their kids’ tendency to overeat – even when their children aren’t hungry. Of course, it’s not just moms and dads using food in this way but caregivers of all kinds, from babysitters to grandparents. And while it’s a big problem at school too, changing patterns at home is key.
To help parents get the hang of kicking this habit, I’ve zeroed in on four steps to purge guilt and let go of food as a reward.
1. Recognize common scenarios
Think about how you celebrate after performances or if you often promise a treat when your kids finish a task. Do you prod your kids to clean their room by dangling the possibility of dessert? Do you take them out for pizza to help them cope when they don’t make the team? Recognizing common scenarios is an essential first step toward breaking this pattern.
2. Don’t blame yourself
You are not alone if food is ingrained in how you interact with kids when you’re not at the table. What matters most is your willingness to explore a new path without stewing in self-judgment. Using food to reward kids undermines healthy habits you’re trying to instill, so any effort toward change may have long-term benefits.
Separating your intent from your actions will help you stop using food as a way to soothe or praise. To do this, imagine your child in a situation where you might use food that way. Play the scene out in your mind, stopping before you bring on the food. As you envision your child in the scenario, ask yourself what feeling you would like to convey.
For example, your kid falls down on the sidewalk and skins their knee. You crouch to comfort them and tend their wound as the wailing escalates. You keep consoling after you’ve carefully stuck a Band-Aid on them but they just can’t calm down. If you’re like many of my clients, you’ll be tempted to say, “I’ll help you up and then we can go get ice cream.”
Ask yourself at that point what feeling you want them to perceive. In this case I’ll wager that it’s comfort and relief – rather than a delicious dairy product.
Becoming mindful of your specific feelings enables two things to happen. First, you’ll see how food stands in for various emotions. Second, it will help you separate your feelings from food – making it easier to deliver something else that’s truly needed in the moment.
You can also try saying your feelings out loud. For example, when your child doesn’t get invited to a friend’s party, say, “This feels sad. My wish for you is knowing how much you are loved.” That can help you remember to try something else besides food to console them.
4. Do something else
There are plenty of ways to comfort your kid that don’t involve food. You can hug them or give them a bubble bath, for example.
To celebrate, try watching a family video together, taking the time to say what makes you feel most proud of them. If you’re trying to motivate or inspire your child, you can crank up their favorite song, then dance and sing along with the music.
When you want to compel or encourage kids to, say, do their homework, give praising their effort a try. Tell them that you see them working hard and ask: “How can I support you right now?”
With small children, when they’re refusing to leave the playground or get into a bath, try engaging them with a stuffed animal or squishy toy to fidget with.
Try to get your child to help choose some alternatives. They might have good ideas that don’t occur to you.
Ways and words
Using food to reward or console kids is pervasive enough that the American Academy of Pediatrics and five other professional organizations recommend that parents not use food this way.
But no one, including doctors, is suggesting that you should never make a birthday cake or use food as a reward in any situation. Food is an integral part of cultures everywhere and meant to be fully enjoyed.
Should you find that you regularly rely on food to express emotions with your kids, I believe you ought to try to switch gears.
It’s all about finding ways and words, instead of using food, to show your kids how much you love them.
You plan, prepare and pack their school lunch. It’s a labor of love meant to fuel kids’ best learning and development. Except, they don’t eat it — and you’re feeling fed up.
When lunchboxes boomerang home, day after day, seemingly untouched, what can parents do? How can we avoid the infuriating routine of packing quality food that inevitably ends up in the trash?
If you’re tired of bickering over the untouched lunch, here’s my 3-step plan for improving the odds it’ll get eaten.
Step 1: NEVER ask your child “WHY” they didn’t eat their lunch.
There are only two answers to that question.
“I didn’t like it.” or “I didn’t have time.”
Both are probably accurate and you will not elicit change coming at it from this angle.
Step 2: Ask for kids input instead of invoking defensiveness.
DO NOT SAY:
“What did you have to eat today?”
“Did you even open the bag of carrots?”
“Why didn’t you finish your sandwich?”
“You said you wanted a turkey and cheese roll up? You didn’t even touch this!”
“I see you ate the pretzels/goldfish/chips, but nothing else.”
Instead, engage your child in collaborative problem solving by intentionally asking for their input.
DO ASK:
“How can we change your lunch to make it something you like better?”
“What green food(s) would work in your lunchbox?”
“Let’s make a list of crunchy veggies you’re open to trying at lunch.”
“It seems like protein foods are coming home untouched. What different proteins can we try in your lunch next week?”
“Tell me some foods you’d like to have in your lunchbox this week.”
Step 3: Send your kid packing!
Set aside 10 minutes to pack your OWN lunch alongside your child packing theirs. You’ll be modeling healthy habits for your child and improving your nutrition as well!
Enthusiasm for consumption correlates with ownership of creating the meal. Get your child involved in packing their lunch daily. If it’s too time consuming for them to pack the whole thing, ask them to pack one item from the category of things they’ve been most reluctant to eat.
Keep the conversation going as you adjust lunches week to week. Change what you put in their lunch based on the feedback they give you in Step 3. When certain foods still come home entirely untouched ask a question like: “I’m noticing cucumbers coming back home in your lunch. What other green vegetable would work better for you?”
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Frustrated over your kids’ refusal to eat vegetables? You’re not alone. According to The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nine out of ten kids in the U.S. do not eat enough vegetables. But what’s a parent to do when every single effort to prepare and present colorful plant-based produce falls flat? If you’re parenting preschool or elementary-aged kids who leave veggies not only uneaten, but entirely untouched, it’s time to improve your game by inviting curiosity to the table.
Here’s my 90-second tip on how to start talking to your kids about veggies in a way that genuinely gets them engaged.
Try sparking intrigue with questions about how and where vegetables grow. Ask, “Where do brussels sprouts live when they’re growing up?” How do they start out, and stand tall for so long?” “How and where do carrots grow? Can they feel the warm sunshine buried down in the dirt like that?” Imagine green beans holding on for dear life on a windy day, or colorful bell peppers getting washed by midnight rain.
Let your imagination be your guide and keep exploring origin of vegetable stories with your kids, even if they aren’t yet eating that particular food. Getting curious about vegetables is the first step toward ingesting them. Lead a playful and creative conversation at your family table tonight and let me know how it goes!
For more tips and inspiration on raising healthy eaters find me on Instagram @tabletalkcoach
With Halloween fast approaching we are entering the season of sugar. Trick-or-treating kicks off a 2-month stretch when sugar intake spikes, yet Halloween night isn’t the only quandary.
Consider the onslaught of “Fun Size” confections that turn up in office candy bowls for weeks on end. That sticky residue of All Hallows Eve bleeds into our mundane moments at work, yielding heightened intake of ancillary sweets for days and weeks to come. And just when the last lonely Tootsie Roll lures a taker, it’s time for the phenomenal feasts of Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas or Kwanzaa.
No matter the celebration, sweets loom large in our society. Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe food is meant to be enjoyed, including sweets and treats as special occasion eating. Yet many people overindulge in sugar this time of year and regret it later. If you aspire to keep your candy intake in check this season, try my trick for managing treats.
Step 1: Play the 2-minute candy showdown game.
Here’s how it works: Get a partner to list specific types of candy two at a time, in face-off fashion. For example, “Peanut M&M’s or Milky Way?”
Your job is simply to choose which of the two candies you like best. Don’t overthink it, just imagine the two choices in front of you and pick the one you enjoy most. Once you choose a winner, your partner pits that candy against another option. Let’s say you chose Peanut M&M’s in the first example, your partner would then say, “Peanut M&M’s or Snickers?”
Continue comparing candy options head to head until you reach your pinnacle choice. You are getting close to your ultimate favorite when you have to pause and really think about it. Watch me guide a friend through this quick exercise here:
Don’t forget to cover different genres – chocolate based sweets, dark chocolate delicacies, gooey, gummy, sour, sticky and hard candies included (i.e. Dum Dums, Bottle Caps, Nerds, Skittles…you get the idea).
Once you have identified your crowning candy, take a moment to write down your top 3 contenders ( #1, 2 and 3 choices). For me, it’s: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, Hershey’s milk chocolate and Butterfinger (even though I hate how they stick in my teeth). Your three favorites are what I call your “top tier.” Don’t skip writing down your top tier. Make a note in your phone or jot these 3 candy names on a piece of paper. Now you’re ready to implement my Trick about Treats Rule!
Step 2: Commit to the Trick about Treats Rule:
DON’T buy your top tier and ONLY eat your top tier.
Part 1: Don’t buy your top tier.
Allow me to explain. Commit to not buying your top tier if/when you shop for candy. This means you won’t fall prey to hide-n-sneak eating. Hide-n-sneak eating is when you tell yourself you won’t EAT this favorite candy you are buying in bulk because you will HIDE it until Halloween and then hand it out to all those cute kids in costume who SO deserve to have the VERY BEST candy, right? Except, your subconscious remembers this scrumptious sweet is waiting beyond that dusty cupboard door and because you are a normal human being with a natural desire for sweets you suddenly start sneak eating Mr. Goodbars at 10pm. Then you have to deal with your kid’s chastisement after you erroneously thought the bathroom garbage can was the best place to dispose of that wrapper.
NOT buying your top tier means sparing yourself from consuming candy you really intended to offer to others. Buying candy in your bottom tier affords you the luxury of not caring about the cache. Of course, you can also choose to hand out non-candy items to trick-or-treaters. Great ideas in this vein include: Fake mustaches, glow bracelets and Wikki Stix.
Not buying your top tier candy ALSO includes bypassing bargain-priced Halloween leftovers you come across on clearance in late November. Purchasing your top tier candy 75% off is self-sabotage of the cheapest kind. Let me be clear: You are not bad for wanting the candy. You are not weak or lacking willpower when you stop to think about snagging that bag. You are savvy to consider the cost savings. That clearance sale, however, is tactical marketing intended to off-load shelves urgently. The spirit of this rule is to set an intention to not engage with candy in an impulsive or hasty setting.
Part 2:ONLY eat candy from your top tier.
For the next 2 months eat only your top 3 picks, electing to leave the rest behind. Sauntering past the brimming bowl of candy at work, the library, the therapy check-in desk, the hairdresser, or car service garage? Stop and take a peek. If none of the offerings are YOUR top tier, pass right on by. If you happen to spot one of your top tier choices, consider it your lucky day. Savor that nugget joyfully.
For me, this means I don’t waste (or waist!) eating candy I barely like just because it’s available. Yet when I do stumble upon a Peanut Butter Cup, I delight in the experience rather than just scarfing it down. One mindful moment of awareness-based exploration elevates my encounter with the PB cup to something I relish instead of something I hardly remember.
What happens if you come across an entire bowl of your top tier?
Is a 70% top tier bucket beckoning to you daily? Honestly, I find most people don’t want to be perceived as the office candy hoarder combing through a big bowl to pocket every top tier item they find. Sometimes, it works out on its own. If you’re struggling to avoid a plentiful top tier bowl simply ask a coworker to take it elsewhere. Or bag it up and bring it out yourself to a local site seeking candy donations. Here’s one example: https://soldiersangels.org/Donate-Halloween-Candy!.html
Don’t buy your top tier and only eat your top tier is a 2-month invitation to build awareness around candy consumption. It is intended to empower adults with an individually relevant plan for keeping their candy intake in check. These tips are not meant to be used as a gimmick or leveraging point with your kids. If you’re searching for suggestions tonavigate candy consumption in kids follow my posts on Instagram @tabletalkcoach.
In the meantime, craft your game plan by explicitly identifying which candy feels worth your while. It’ll free you up to walk away from the rest. I also encourage you to eschew negative self-talk when your best-laid plan fails. If you fall off the wagon, simply start anew. Revisit the written record of your top tier list and recommit to the plan without entertaining loathsome internal chatter. To the best of your ability, let go of shame – literally and symbolically, right along with that wrapper you are dropping in the trash.
For more tips on awareness-based family nutrition and raising healthy eaters, follow me on Instagram @tabletalkcoach or online at Familieseatingwell.com
Stephanie Meyers, MS, RDN is a nutritionist training parents to be their kids best eating coach.
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